A Better Mirror

 In his book, "Waking Up", Sam Harris describes our consciousness as a mirror and asks:

When someone beautiful looks in the mirror, does their image make the mirror better?

or, when someone ugly looks in the mirror, does their image make the mirror worse?

I've been thinking about this and it has been a helpful metaphor.  I wondered "what does make the mirror better?".  The answer is a perfect reflecting surface, without blemish, that creates an image that most closely matches reality.  Our thoughts (consciousness) should strive to create an accurate image of reality, whether reality is good, bad, or both.

My contemplation on the mirror was interrupted by my own stories ruminating in my head. You know the stories that you tell yourself over and over again. Maybe it's a self criticism. Maybe it's a "I deserve better than this". Then my mind went back to thinking about the mirror.  I realized that these stories we tell ourselves are like drawings we make and paste to our mirror. We can look at these stories and try to convince ourselves that they represent the truth. But they aren't. We need to remove the drawings so that we can see the true image of reality.

For example, I remember a story from my childhood. As the youngest of 6 kids, I felt neglected. I decided to climb a tree in the backyard to hide. My reasoning was that when my family realized I was missing, they would be worried and come looking for me. When they found me they would give me the attention I desired. I stayed in the tree for what seemed like a long time but no one realized I was gone. I meekly climbed down the tree accepting that no one cared about me. This story was sketched out and pasted in my mirror. Recently I read the book "Running on Empty" by Janice Webb, I recognized this experience as emotional neglect. Fortunately, the book gave several examples of emotional nurturing, so I was able to revisit my experience. My new version of the story: My dad worked full time and then had obligations in the evening. My mom was busy caring for our large family. My older siblings were teenagers and most likely occupied with their own lives. My brother that I shared a room with was probably glad to have a break from his little brother. Yes, I felt neglected and that hurt. It was okay for me to feel that way, but I also needed to understand the conditions that lead up to my experience. 

As a result, I was able to remove the image fixed to my mirror and allowing it to reflect reality. Seeing reality is liberating. 

Scarcity of Thought: Transitioning from Tribalism to Community

In the book "Scarcity: Why Having Too Little Means So Much", by Sendhi Mullainathan and Eldar Shafir, there's the example of two people packing for a trip. One has a tiny suitcase and the other has a large suitcase. The person with the tiny suitcase needs to spend more time optimizing their decisions on what to bring, not bring and how to pack.  The person with the large suitcase can quickly pack. This person thinks to themselves "I might want to go running", so they throw in their running shoes without further thought.

What if we apply this principle to thought: ideas, beliefs, opinions? Maybe your tiny "suitcase", or scarcity, is due to your religion, political party, education, or cultural upbringing. As a result, when you get new information, you struggle to fit it into existing narratives. This is why we have political attacks. This is where apologetics comes from. This is the root cause of cognitive biases. For example, confirmation bias, where we tend to find and remember information that confirms our perceptions (and ignoring information that doesn't fit). Our suitcases are just too small for anything else.

It can be very liberating upgrading your tiny cognitive suitcase for a larger mental space. This can happen through a sudden or gradual awakening.  This happened for me politically during the Bush/Gore election. When something benign like dangling chads became a divisive political issue, I realized that the political parties were more concerned about obtaining and keeping power than they were about truth and justice.  I become an independent.

I grew up in a time when it seemed that the villains in many movies where from Russia (or the former Soviet Union).  When my group hired 2 Russians, I had to check my reactions. I was able to learn their stories and turned suspicion into respect.

I have a coworker from Iran. The media tells me that they are one of our new enemies. He ended up inviting me to his wedding. It was one of the most beautiful, inclusive experiences I have ever had. The Persian culture is rich and I would be proud if I was Persian.

I got to know another coworker from Iraq. I've heard insensitive people say while we were at war with Iraq that we should just drop a nuclear bomb on them and be done with it. My coworker told his story. He lived in a village where all of the names were biblical. The towns, hills, mountains all had names from the bible. He lived near where they thought Noah's Ark landed. How he came to America was that he was a Christian refuge fleeing earlier wars. The government sent a notice "We are going to be bombing your city. Either leave or be bombed" 

Still "my" group was morally superior, right? As I got to truly know people outside of "my" group, I was surprised to find that they had qualities that I valued. Often, their qualities were more polished, refined and authentic than found in my group

Tribalism vs Community

In this post, Alan Weiss writes

Tribes are homogenous, communities are heterogeneous.

Tribes are exclusionary. They recognize their own members’ similarities and common background...tribes tend to be insecure, mistrustful of non-tribal relationships, and highly threatened by perceived attacks on their beliefs and behaviors.

Communities are much more elastic, since it’s almost impossible to insult everyone at once due to the eclectic nature of the community. They will embrace outsiders and interact with other communities readily.

Communities are inclusionary. They are characterized by common attitudes, interests, and goals. Religion, beliefs, kinship, and opinions can differ starkly in communities and, in fact, give them vibrancy and dynamism, allowing for continued experimentation and growth. They do not hold long-term animosities against other communities, and those within them shift in opinion and allegiance as time goes by and learning occurs.

I love this!

Scarcity found in tribes is not necessary. It's possible to make space for a larger community. As I travel through life, I'm grateful for a "larger suitcase" that allows me to make room for an expanded understanding of the world while on my journey through life.