Gender Identity: My Journey in Understanding Gender

In the Beginning...

When I was a little boy, gender identity was easy: girls had long hair, and boys had short hair. The school made this easier since girls weren't allowed to wear pants. Girls had long hair and wore a dress or skirt, while boys had short hair and wore pants. This became more complicated when the dress code changed around 1972, allowing girls to wear pants. Also, boys started growing their hair long.

For the most part, confusing genders wasn't an issue for me. I do remember saying something to my older sisters about having a "pee-pee," and they told me girls didn't have a "pee-pee". That was a surprising revelation that there's more to gender than just outward appearance.

Baby X

In high school, I read the book "X: A Fabulous Child's Story" by Lois Gould published in 1978. It's the story of a child raised as part of an experiment to keep its gender unknown to everyone but its parents and the scientists conducting the experiment. 

Since the parents hid its gender, Baby X was able to do all of the fun activities from both genders, like playing football and baking cakes. It was a very positive story revealing the limiting beliefs of parents and society at large. I loved the story but don't remember exactly why it resonated so much with me. Maybe it's because I loved my sisters and couldn't imagine them being limited. Or maybe it was because my brother was a talented artist, and I saw him bullied.  

Whatever it was, I decided that when I became a parent, I would try not to limit my children. So when I finally had children of my own, I taught my daughter to catch a ball, and I gave my son an easy bake oven. 

One day my oldest son was sitting in the high chair. We put a slice of bread on the tray for him to eat. We were surprised when he ate away part of the bread to make it the shape of a gun. Then he held it in his hand and said, "Bang-bang". We didn't have anything in the house that resembled a gun, and he watched only children's shows on the television. It appears that the Baby X story forgot to mention that some people may naturally align with gender stereotypes.

My wife has mostly feminine traits, and I have mostly masculine traits (though she does like trucks more than I do). One very strong gender difference is how she interacts with her lady friends. Their behavior is innately feminine.

Gender Traits

I find it interesting that many languages assign gender to words. How is "table" feminine while "heart" is masculine? Somehow, society has also made many things gender appropriate: 

• Clothing
• Hairstyle
• Career choice
• Hobbies
• Personality
• Character

While some people may follow clear gender stereotypes, reality is fuzzier. For example, look at height. "Men are taller than women." But if you look at the data, there are men that are shorter than the average woman and women that are taller than the average man. And that's for a trait that includes no choice.

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For traits and activities that include choice, why limit those choices?  Aren't the boundaries fuzzier in these cases? I think we should have a meritocracy that is blind to gender.

Transgender

I have limited experience with transgender people. First hand, I know a couple of coworkers who have transitioned. Second hand, I've talked to family members and associates of trans people. I want to tread lightly here out of respect.

Let's consider two examples.

Example 1: I was considering applying for a position in another group at work so I met with a coworker that had worked in that group. This coworker had recently transitioned to a woman. I noticed that she was thoughtful and provided good insight.

Example 2: My wife was on a committee comprised of women. What united this group was the trauma they experienced from a patriarchal organization. A trans woman joined the group and didn't follow the social norms of the group. She was a bully and harassed the leader of the group.

I'm sure it is difficult for trans people to know if they are interacting with an ally or a bigot, so we should provide understanding and compassion. 

I recommend reading "X: A Fabulous Child's Story" as it helps reveal some of the ways that we might be biased and can be more considerate of others' less-than-binary gender identity.

I'm Transsocial

 It wasn't my choice. I was assigned shyness at birth. This social assignment was reinforced with statements like "he's quiet" or "he's shy". These labels and other reinforcing stereotypes resulted in me being  more shy and quiet. The identity was imprinted on me.

The truth was that I was a careful observer. I was thoughtful (I was also the youngest of 6 children and got talked over a lot). However, with the attention brought to my quietness too often, I became overly introspective. I ended up accepting and identifying with the labels.

As I got a little older and was put in more social situations, I started to experience social dysphoria. I didn't want to be shy or quiet. In side of me was a fun, social, extrovert just waiting to be released. But how can you change something like that? 

In high school, I exerted myself striving to be more outgoing. I had successes but still had the emotional scars and self doubt that made me unsafely self-aware of any inadequacy.

I've tried many therapies, including 7 years as a member of Toastmasters. It's only recently that I came to the realization that I no longer identify as shy. To further reinforce my new identity, my wife told me that when she tells her friends (who happen to know me now) about my previous shyness, they are incredulous and can't imagine it. I guess I am successfully "passing" in my new identity.

Suggestions for Raising Shy Children

If you notice that your child demonstrates traits of shyness, I have some recommendations. My only expertise is as a transsocial myself, parent of adult children and grandparent. My experience scientifically represents a very small sample size, but I still offer these suggestions.

1. Avoid labeling the child. Avoid saying "You are shy" or anything similar.
2. If you feel like you have to draw attention to their behavior, pick positive traits "Wow, you were so brave climbing that ladder!", "That was nice of you to share your toy", etc.
3. Give them opportunities for positive social experiences (e.g. sports, clubs, family gatherings).
4. When introducing them to others, bring up things that they are proud of, "This is Mike, he likes to play with Legos".
5. Make it safe to talk to you. Let them express their emotions and validate how they feel. Don't try to talk them out of or into feeling another way.
6. Have crucial conversations in private. "I noticed that you were more quiet than normal around Suzie. Can you tell me about that?"