"How Emotions Are Made" and My Emotional Diversity Framework

TL/DR; 

The book "How Emotions Are Made" by Lisa Feldman Barrett resulted in a paradigm shift in my thinking about emotions and helped me develop a framework for processing emotions.

My New Understanding

We constantly use our senses to understand our environment and what is happening inside our bodies. Our brain creates an "affect" (a sensation or feeling) and then attempts to identify a past matching experience. The "statistically best-matched experience" influences our response. (I'm reminded of the Ellis ABC Model).

This can go wrong if we mistakenly match a wrong experience to the affect. Examples:

• As early newlyweds, we would fight, only later realizing we were hungry.
• When I let early childhood trauma make me feel insecure in social settings.

Learning to distinguish subtle emotional differences is a healthier way to process affect. 

My Emotional Diversity Framework

To help create finer emotional granularity, I've considered the many dimensions of the story we assign to affect. The dimensions are like the X, Y, and Z axes. An experience can fall anywhere along these dimensions, resulting in many possibilities.

The Three Poisons

This dimension has to do with the "verb" in the situation. For this, I use a concept from Buddhism called the three poisons. Longing for these poisons creates suffering.

1. Desire - Longing or wanting something. This could be food, drink, physical affection, affirmation, peace, safety, etc.
2. Aversion - Avoiding something. This could be pain, discomfort, harm, fear, anger, shame, guilt, hatred, etc.
3. Ignorance - This could be its own dimension. This relates to not knowing or understanding, either by ourselves or others in our story.

Familiarity

This dimension concerns the "who" in the story and how closely they relate to us. I call it the "Castle Model." A castle surrounded by a city wall defines regions, and our relations with the people in each region vary.

• Your chambers - Only your most intimate relations are allowed
• The Castle - Only trusted people are allowed inside the castle walls
• The City Walls - Inside the city walls is your community. Behaviors are governed by social norms, business norms, and common law. 
• Outside the City Walls - There is danger with outlaws and wild beasts.

Where do the people involved in this story reside? Are they friends or enemies?

Group Size

This dimension concerns the size of the "who": an individual, a couple, a family, or the whole world. Be careful with large groups and creating stereotypes, "You men/woman always do X!"

Concreteness

This dimension also relates to the "verb." How concrete is the action in your story? This ranges as follows:

1. Actions - A slap, push, embrace, or other more physical behavior
2. Verbal - Something was spoken or written (remembering that superlatives carry emotions and are not to be taken literally, e.g., "You never remember to ...").
3. Non-verbal sounds - A grunt or moan that carries meaning but can easily be misinterpreted.
4. Thought - You only know your own thoughts; don't try to mind read.

Time

Consider the dimension of time.

1. Speed - Instant (a surprise) to long (chronic).
2. Frequency - Is this a recurring problem resulting in you "waiting for the other shoe to drop?"
3. Duration - How long does this event last? 
4. History - When did it happen? Does a long past experience relate to our current experience?

Health

This dimension looks at the state of the "who." Are they tired, hungry, distracted, or not feeling well physically or emotionally? 

Use Case

Someone sends you a message: "We need to talk." You feel a tightening in your chest, and your face feels flush. Time to pause and evaluate.

1. The Three Poisons - You are experiencing aversion, including fear, shame, or guilt. However, you are also ignorant as to the subject of the discussion.
2. Familiarity - What is your relationship with this person? Do they have power over you?
3. Group Size - It appears one-on-one. Will others be present? How will that change your reaction?
4. Concreteness - This message is definitely verbal, but there is no information about the subject or the other person's thoughts.
5. Time - 
1. Speed - The message was a surprise.
2. Frequency - How many times have you received this message before?
3. Duration - You don't know since you haven't had the conversation yet. This is part of your ignorance.
4. History - Are you assigning meaning from the distant past when you got a similar message?
6. Health
1. Are you tired, hungry, or feeling well? How about the person sending the message?

If you talk with the person and they just want to include you on some elaborate project that you are excited about, then it was inappropriate for you to have an aversion or relate it to a scolding you got from a parent when you were a kid.

Conclusion

We can evaluate the stories we associate with affect using the above framework. This can give us finer granularity when identifying the correct experience to match our feelings. Instead of fighting with the love of your life, you can say, "I think I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat." Instead of freezing in a social situation, you can tell yourself, "I'm not a child anymore. I'm an interesting adult."

Pickler on the Roof

 Latest Pickleball Remix Story.

The Little Pickler

 My latest Pickleball Parody

The Little Pickler (Pickleball Remix)

Gender Identity: My Journey in Understanding Gender

In the Beginning...

When I was a little boy, gender identity was easy: girls had long hair, and boys had short hair. The school made this easier since girls weren't allowed to wear pants. Girls had long hair and wore a dress or skirt, while boys had short hair and wore pants. This became more complicated when the dress code changed around 1972, allowing girls to wear pants. Also, boys started growing their hair long.

For the most part, confusing genders wasn't an issue for me. I do remember saying something to my older sisters about having a "pee-pee," and they told me girls didn't have a "pee-pee". That was a surprising revelation that there's more to gender than just outward appearance.

Baby X

In high school, I read the book "X: A Fabulous Child's Story" by Lois Gould published in 1978. It's the story of a child raised as part of an experiment to keep its gender unknown to everyone but its parents and the scientists conducting the experiment. 

Since the parents hid its gender, Baby X was able to do all of the fun activities from both genders, like playing football and baking cakes. It was a very positive story revealing the limiting beliefs of parents and society at large. I loved the story but don't remember exactly why it resonated so much with me. Maybe it's because I loved my sisters and couldn't imagine them being limited. Or maybe it was because my brother was a talented artist, and I saw him bullied.  

Whatever it was, I decided that when I became a parent, I would try not to limit my children. So when I finally had children of my own, I taught my daughter to catch a ball, and I gave my son an easy bake oven. 

One day my oldest son was sitting in the high chair. We put a slice of bread on the tray for him to eat. We were surprised when he ate away part of the bread to make it the shape of a gun. Then he held it in his hand and said, "Bang-bang". We didn't have anything in the house that resembled a gun, and he watched only children's shows on the television. It appears that the Baby X story forgot to mention that some people may naturally align with gender stereotypes.

My wife has mostly feminine traits, and I have mostly masculine traits (though she does like trucks more than I do). One very strong gender difference is how she interacts with her lady friends. Their behavior is innately feminine.

Gender Traits

I find it interesting that many languages assign gender to words. How is "table" feminine while "heart" is masculine? Somehow, society has also made many things gender appropriate: 

• Clothing
• Hairstyle
• Career choice
• Hobbies
• Personality
• Character

While some people may follow clear gender stereotypes, reality is fuzzier. For example, look at height. "Men are taller than women." But if you look at the data, there are men that are shorter than the average woman and women that are taller than the average man. And that's for a trait that includes no choice.

(1)

For traits and activities that include choice, why limit those choices?  Aren't the boundaries fuzzier in these cases? I think we should have a meritocracy that is blind to gender.

Transgender

I have limited experience with transgender people. First hand, I know a couple of coworkers who have transitioned. Second hand, I've talked to family members and associates of trans people. I want to tread lightly here out of respect.

Let's consider two examples.

Example 1: I was considering applying for a position in another group at work so I met with a coworker that had worked in that group. This coworker had recently transitioned to a woman. I noticed that she was thoughtful and provided good insight.

Example 2: My wife was on a committee comprised of women. What united this group was the trauma they experienced from a patriarchal organization. A trans woman joined the group and didn't follow the social norms of the group. She was a bully and harassed the leader of the group.

I'm sure it is difficult for trans people to know if they are interacting with an ally or a bigot, so we should provide understanding and compassion. 

I recommend reading "X: A Fabulous Child's Story" as it helps reveal some of the ways that we might be biased and can be more considerate of others' less-than-binary gender identity.

Unified Ethical Principles: How we basically all believe the same thing

 I have to admit that I don't know much about what a majority of people on Earth believe, so I decided to ask ChatGPT to summarize for me. I used two prompts. The first one was to come up with a unified set of principles. The second one is a table of principles for each belief system.

Can you combine the ethical principles from all of the major religions and philosophies into one unified whole and describe in a religious sounding text?

In the tapestry of human spirituality, a harmonious symphony of ethical principles emerges, woven by the threads of diverse faiths and philosophies. In this unified whole, we find a sacred covenant, a moral compass that guides humanity toward righteousness, compassion, and the pursuit of the common good.

Moral Guidelines: Our collective wisdom imparts the virtues of love, forgiveness, honesty, kindness, and justice. These are the pillars upon which we build our moral edifice, nurturing the soul's growth toward enlightenment and divine grace.

Family Values: We sanctify the bonds of family, for they are the cornerstone of society. In our embrace of family values, we commit to fostering love, care, and unity among our kin, recognizing the sacredness of the familial ties that bind us.

Social Justice: We are called to champion the cause of social justice, extending a helping hand to the less fortunate and advocating for fairness and equity. It is in our commitment to compassion and empathy that we strive to create a just and inclusive world.

Accountability: We acknowledge the profound accountability that rests upon our shoulders, whether to a divine presence or the moral conscience within. Each action carries consequences, and we are entrusted with the responsibility to act with wisdom, integrity, and awareness.

Non-Violence: As one, we abhor violence and champion peace. The principle of non-violence, woven into the very fabric of our collective ethos, guides our actions toward harmony and the preservation of life in all its forms.

Compassion: Compassion flows through our veins as the lifeblood of our shared humanity. It is in compassion that we recognize the intrinsic worth of every being, and in our acts of kindness, we express our divine connection.

Humility: Humility is the cloak we wear on our path toward enlightenment. In its folds, we find the strength to acknowledge our limitations, embrace selflessness, and approach life's mysteries with reverence and awe.

This unified ethical tapestry, woven from the wisdom of our diverse faiths and philosophies, beckons us to live lives of purpose and virtue. It calls us to transcend our differences and stand together in the pursuit of a world suffused with love, justice, and compassion. In this sacred covenant, we find not division, but the unifying thread of our shared humanity, leading us toward the radiant dawn of a more ethical and harmonious world.

Can you create a table showing in which ways the major religions and philosophies are similar regarding ethical principles?

Ethical Principles	Christianity	Islam	Hinduism	Buddhism	Judaism	Sikhism	Confucianism	Humanism
Moral Guidelines	Love, forgiveness, honesty	Honesty, kindness, justice	Dharma (duty), karma, ahimsa	Five Precepts (e.g., non-violence)	Moral laws, righteousness	Truth, compassion, equality	Filial piety, benevolence, propriety	Human dignity, reason, empathy
Family Values	Sanctity of marriage, nurturing family relationships	Family values, care for relatives	Family as part of dharma	Emphasis on compassion for all beings	Strong emphasis on family	Family bonds, respect	Emphasis on family harmony	Emphasis on community and empathy
Social Justice	Focus on helping the less fortunate, social justice	Obligatory charity (Zakat), avoidance of injustice	Advocacy for social justice	Promotes compassion and empathy	Concern for the disadvantaged	Advocacy for social justice	Promotes social harmony	Emphasis on human rights and equality
Accountability	Belief in judgment and accountability before God	Accountability for deeds and intentions	Accountability for karma	Emphasis on self-awareness	Belief in divine judgment	Accountability for actions	Emphasis on personal responsibility	Personal responsibility and ethics
Non-Violence	Emphasis on "turning the other cheek"	Strong emphasis on peace and avoidance of violence	Ahimsa (non-violence)	Primary principle is non-violence	Prohibitions against violence	Strong emphasis on non-violence	Emphasis on peace and harmony	Rejection of violence and harm
Compassion	Encourages followers to show compassion	Promotes compassion and mercy	Compassion for all beings	Central principle is compassion	Emphasis on loving-kindness	Promotes compassion and empathy	Promotes benevolence and compassion	Emphasis on empathy and altruism
Humility	Encouragement of humility and meekness	Encourages humility in prayer and daily life	Humility is a virtue	Humility and selflessness encouraged	Emphasis on humility	Emphasis on humility	Emphasis on modesty and humility	Emphasis on humility and self-awareness

The Problem With Scouting and Other Moral Organizations

Years ago the company I worked for changed to a 4-9-4 schedule that consisted of 9-hour work days Monday through Thursday and a 4-hour day on Friday. The company also allowed for flex time, meaning you could start your day earlier or later. I started coming in at 6:00 a.m. to beat traffic, so often I would be finishing my workday at 10:00 a.m. on Friday. I would proudly announce that my day was done as I left at 10:00 a.m. I found it disconcerting that many people replied:

"You're lucky! I can't remember the last time I only worked four hours on Friday."

I have since come up with a better understanding of this phenomenon (partially thanks to Dan McClellan and the book Sapiens)

Boundaries

Human evolution grew our brains to the point that we could manage to participate in communities of 150 people. Since our communities are much larger than this, we need a way to maintain social cohesion. One way we have done this is by creating arbitrary boundaries that define religions, companies, and other organizations. These boundaries show who is in and who is out. They define the behaviors required to signal to others that you are a trusted member of the group. The result is that we can interact with and trust people we do not know or have never met.

To signal that you are a more trusted member, you spend more of your time and energy, like working a full Friday instead of only the half-day that may be required.

So far, this sounds good, right?

On My Honor

I'm an Eagle Scout and some of my best memories from my childhood are from Scouting. I always liked the morals taught in Scouting. For example:

"Leave No Trace" - when you leave camp (or any place), leave it better than you found it. It reminds me of the "Keep America Beautiful" campaign that I learned in school as a young boy. This week, I was walking through the parking lot and someone had dumped all of their trash from a visit to a fast food restaurant. It was ugly and offensive.

This past week, I watched the documentary "On My Honor: The Untold Story of the Scouts", about sexual abuse in the Scouting organization. I know I am biased in favor of Scouting, so I disagreed with one of the opening statements that the good parts of scouting were just a facade for what was really going on in Scouting. I had the view that Scouting was inherently good and any abuses were a minor blemish on the organization.

I now have a different opinion.

The Problem with Moral Superiority

When a group creates an arbitrary boundary to signal high moral standards within the group, it can be very attractive to people wanting to find a safe place in a chaotic, and sometimes dangerous world. When joining such a group, members can then relax with the expectation that they are safe.

The problem arises when the signals required to join the group can be easily learned by dangerous players. In the case of Scouting, any adult male can wear a uniform, recite the Scout Motto and Scout Law, and volunteer. And, the organization was hungry for volunteers. Sexual predators learned this and so joined the ranks.

The problem is further worsened when the leadership of the organization takes a stand on their proclaimed moral superiority and refuses to acknowledge the wolves in sheep's clothing in their own organization. They are blinded by the same biases that I previously had about Scouting.

When the reputation of an organization becomes more important than the moral mission it claims to have, then there is a moral inversion. The offended individual becomes a sacrifice at the altar of the greater good.

Look in the Mirror

How about your organization or cause? Is it vulnerable to a similar moral inversion? Maybe there is no mistreatment within your organization, but how do you treat those outside of your boundaries? Do you apply the same morals and standards to non-members?

It's easy to feel good about the claims of the group, but good feelings can be a dangerous deceiver.

I have a saying:

Be careful putting up walls; you may end up on the wrong side.

"Purple is Good" - revisited and repurposed

I would like to provide a fresh perspective on one of my past posts, Purple is Good.

As a recap, an executive presented at an all-hands employee meeting. His PowerPoint presentation showed a dashboard of KPIs (Key Performance Indicators). It was a grid of colored squares with the obvious green for "good", yellow for "needs help" and red for "in trouble". There were also some purple squares. The employees looked confused since they weren't familiar with what this chart meant. Thinking he would help with their confusion, he said:

"Purple is good!"

I think of this and laugh anytime I hear someone trying to influence others with a point that the intended audience doesn't understand.

A Fresh Perspective

I consider myself more of a bottom feeder in my organization, so from this perspective, I intend this to be helpful and constructive.

A Thought Experiment

You are given the opportunity to present your ideas or solutions to someone you consider powerful. An executive, the mayor, governor, president. You have two weeks to prepare. How much of your time and energy will be used to prepare? How much of your free time will you think about this? The day of the presentation comes and you walk in. How much will this problem be of concern to the person in charge?

Anecdotal Evidence

My friend was in a meeting with an executive who said the following:

"For you, this is the most important topic. After this meeting, I have another meeting with the most important topic. And I have fifty meetings a week like this."

My Thoughts on Presenting to Executives

Many times your problem needs a solution that is more than just a phone call or an email. Your problem needs a carefully thought out and crafted strategy.  Your problem needs a champion, someone who is not being pulled in many directions, constantly distracted by other problems. That champion is you.

My Recent Experience

I'm responsible for a small project that has proven to be worthwhile to the company. We've had funding challenges, so I arranged meetings with executives, thinking that was the solution. I was received well, but left empty-handed. The response was that projects like this are hard to fund, even if they provide a lot of internal value.

Last month, our funding was cut to basically zero. I scrambled to find other work for my small team. I felt compelled to take full responsibility for funding my project. I already had a "Stakeholder" map (I use the FreeMind mind-mapping software). It was a map of the organization down to the users of our product. I called one person that seemed to have purse strings. My lead-in line: "I'm trying to develop a stable funding strategy for my project. Can you help educate me?" I started identifying people to talk to, contacting them, taking notes.

This was a completely new role for me as a bottom feeder. I had to adopt a new mindset. I had to abandon ego. I had to accept indifference, neglect, and rejection. I was encouraged by finding supporters and new opportunities.

On my map was a friend who rose through the ranks. His comment I found frank and helpful.

"You'll have more luck working bottom-up than top-down."

I never had someone say that to me before, but it agreed with what I was finding. The people closer to the bottom understood the value of my product and were bidding on new opportunities. Line items were added to larger proposals.

Conclusion 

I've heard the phrase "Sounds like a problem with management" in a lot of contexts recently. If there is a problem with management, then maybe we can be the solution. Executives don't need help with the purple squares. They need help with the red and yellow squares. I had the unique opportunity to interview with an executive years ago. I asked him: "What keeps you up at night?" I still remember his three answers. My project is a reaction to one of his issues. I don't think he even remembers the conversation. Still, it's one of the reasons I feel passionate about my project. 

Maybe you don't work in a large organization. Still, there's plenty of opportunity for each of us to make a difference.